27.5.10

WHEN DID THIS START TO SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA

billy blanks lumbers forth with sweaty death’s head face all contorted

some grotesque expression of encouragement

i wish he would desist

demanding the impossible

BE MORE THAN A CONQUERER what does that even mean

because in the hierarchy of achievement CONQUERER is pretty high up there

BELIEVE IN YOUR HIGHER POWER ASK HIM TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING

TO GET YOU THROUGH THIS WORKOUT

billy blanks yet again neglects to take the demographic

of atheists who purchase instructional tae-bo dvds from borders

into account

basically i think this might just be me

but i’m still not ok with the generalization

SQUEEZE he shrieks

SQUEEEEEEEEEEZE

slick quads rippling beneath diaphanous silk boxer shorts

chartreuse

so chartreuse it’s actually distressing i mean this is not a color

found in nature

must be custom-made and i wonder

does he have a ‘workout garment conceptual sketches’ moleskine does he

have a team of designers

“listen billy chartreuse is a good idea trust us”

pressing a brown paper package into his arms

he carries it to his miata

i think billy blanks used to drive a bmw coup

back when tae-bo was a thing

now he drives a miata

and billy blanks drives to his house

to try on the chartreuse workout garment in his living room studio

which has a floor to ceiling mirror on one wall

(and i’m assuming he lives

in los angeles because I mean really

where else could he possibly live)

he tries on his chartreuse workout garment and assumes

a dominant and intimidating pose

like a gazelle he thinks

makes little hooves with his fists

offers some sort of approving grunt to his reflection

and knows

he has the power

to save people from decadence and decay

from fat and want and greed

from greasy snack chip ass-plants on the sofa

from flesh pooling atop elastic waistbands

pleated khaki cargo shorts

poor digestive elimination

no ma’am no more sweatpants for you

you are going to fit into that bikini by april

you are going to try on new pants in the dressing room of eddie bauer at your local indoor mall

and you are going to assume a coy and coquettish pose with your back to the mirror to admire

the silhouette of your gluteus in new pants and feel

very pleased with things in general

because

billy blanks is going to change your fucking life

IM GOING TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT

this makes billy blanks more than a conqueror this

makes him a genie

or mephistopheles

IM GOING TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT

i just want somebody to pick up my klonopin from walgreens

when i’m too afraid to leave the house

i want to be ok i want

to feel ok about things

i think that’s reasonable

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