i built for you on the floor of the underside of the floor of the second story a grand plastered surface containing vigorous molded ornament against a plain ground divided by a grid forming a central rectangle with semi-circular breaks and deeply moulded beams leaving only ovals or circles which had formerly been framed so that the patterns remain simple and forceful and large with densely ornamented areas divided by grids which imposed clearly centralized and sometimes hierarchical systems depicting scenes from ovid’s metamorphosis framed by cherubs in simple geometric patterns shaped with hand-forming tools and ornamental elements of moulded papier mache fixed with pins in situ rather than applied reflecting grand baroque traditions as executed by german craftspeople of southeastern pennsylvania held by dense strapwork with repeated breaks and ornament centred on armorial or emblematic devices most often the four seasons the seven sins the fives senses the nine virtues recessed in octagonal coffering decorated with wreathes and rosettes in delicate palettes of pea greens with pinks and lilacs and lilacs with greys on a shallow dome supported on pendentives decorated with an incised elongated greek key motif complementing the curving ornament in the rectangular panels at either side of an elaborate ensemble of swags and roundels with a central sunburst and the head of a god stenciled with painted and gold plaster of special exuberance displaying a penchant for roman splendour gilded and painted white in accord with chaste palladian principles of joists simply lathed and plastered resulting in a slightly undulating appearance marked with plain or corniced moulding along with acanthus and anthemion and egg-and-dart mouldings as well as beading in the cornice featuring ribbed design for intricate paintwork atop barrel vaulting of incipent modernism in the anglo-japanese style with all-over papers in reticent patterns with plain borders ensuite of tongue-and-groove boards or of painted tin insets with scenes or coats of arms with details reserved in white against sky tones for the curling vine motif that surrounds the central panel in strictly geometric compartments within naturalistic swags in white blue and cream representing glory as well as elaborate swags and ribs and flowers and festoons and roses and medallions and ventilators in combinations of rosettes and patera motifs with radiating palmettes and other leaves coarsened by layer upon layer upon layer upon layer upon layer upon layer upon layer upon layer of gold.
****no modifications or elaborations have been made to the following excerpts from the documents of kristin michelle hayter between ages 12 and 14. let it be noted that i did not begin a regimen of anti-depressants until age 15 and thereafter i remained insufferable, pretentious, and generally a huge pain in the ass.****
a note from my high school freshman english teacher
affixed to a packet of looseleaf paper titled
hi kristin. i know you’re a deep thinker who often walks the unbeaten trail, so the mood of some of your entries doesn’t surprise me, nor that you do not respond to the prompts. some of it seems quite depressed; just know that i respect you greatly and am available at any time you need a listening ear.
[here there is found a drawing of a heart]
* * * *
a packet of looseleaf paper titled ‘journals’
wherein i make plain
my thoughts regarding a variety of topics
ON EXISTING; THE TRIBULATIONS OF:
2.11 life is a bitter, endless struggle. when one is saddest there is a hollowness that stretches from stomach to throat, giving the impression of an insatiable thirst. i would elaborate on such trivialities that snare my consciousness, but alas. even if i desired such, i could not.”
a single journal entry
which lengthily considers the properties of carrots
at the budding of my anorexia:
10.4. my favorite food is the carrot, because of low calorie content and because it is complementary to nearly any dip.
these are other words i use to talk about carrots in the journal entry:
carrots are not
if you ever encounter a 14 year old
claiming fun + carrot
you march that child straight to a fucking IOP for scheduled meals
and 4 hour body/mindfulness groups.
it is unclear to me
whether i am using irony
to describe carrots in this entry.
ON INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE; ABSENCE OF:
2.13. the most influential person in my life does not exist. influence is unhealthy...existence is futile. we exist to multiply, and to die.
[here there is a stanza of poetry from robert frost repeated seven times.]
ON QUESTIONS; INANITY OF:
1.9. this is a stupid question, and where i might another day answer such a question today i am in no such mood. i vigorously renounce this preposterous query. no, i shall not. i simply refuse to answer this question.
1.11. my favorite holiday is christmas, though this christmas i did not enjoy myself in the least, seeing as i have become aware that i am no longer a child, and am subject to fits of despair in the face of newly-recognized artifice. past that i do not enjoy any holiday, save for the reason that i may vacate school...somebody tell me what to do. i don’t know what to do. i am so tired.
ON ETHICS; LACK OF:
1.15. no, i am not an ethical person. i hold that mastery of the self and the overcoming of abhorrent weaknesses in the human spirit are more important than conforming to tenets
society deems proper.
* * * *
i manipulated my penmanship to cultivate a highly stylized ‘goth’ calligraphy
the ends of my letters dripped and curled into spidery filaments
long and thin
i wrote like that for three years
* * * *
a conversation between A and B
A: YOUR DINOSAUR WHERE?
B: I DON’T KNOW. DINOSAUR I FIND NOW.
A: CHICKEN, YOU WANT?
B: NO. DINOSAUR I WANT.
A: WE ASK NEIGHBOR – THERE – DINOSAUR WHERE. WHY? TO FIND DINOSAUR.
B: FIRST, DINNER WE GO TO?
A: YES. I HUNGRY I.
B: WHERE WE EAT GO TO?
A: HAPPY CHEF RESTAURANT WE GO TO.
B: CHEF – HANDSOME HE?
A: NO. UGLY CHEF AND SAD.
B: I WANT FREDDY TO COME WITH.
A: WHO FREDDY?
B: FREDDY MY DINOSAUR
A: GLASSES, SCARF FREDDY WEAR?
B: NO. POLKA DOT TIE, HAT AND SHIRT FREDDY WEAR.
A: I REMEMBER HIM. COLLEGE, HE THERE.
B: OH. I SEE.
A: OK. DINNER NOW?
* * * *
ON LOVE; DESTRUCTIVE PROPERTIES OF:
11.15. love is irrational, unreasonable. put love on a shelf to gather dust. love is arbitrary destroyer, great devastator, deceiver. fools, falsifies, leaves a bitter taste.
ON SENIOR BUDDIES; EXPECTATIONS FOR:
11.24. i don’t expect anything of my senior buddy. it is unfair to place expectations on our meetings. i have hopes for our interactions, but i know that hope often leads to disappointment. i will try to avoid that type of meeting.
11.14. this is an asinine prompt. what does it matter to anyone if i manage my time well? to whom does it matter whether i am assiduous or lazy? time does not exist.
ON THE FUTURE; PREDICTIONS FOR:
11.18. my life as a senior citizen will be lovely. i will live in a small house yet from my pension i will amass a large fortune. i will devote myself to bitterness, i will carry a cane with which to batter the children.
* * * *
exerpt from poem
written by boyfriend charlie brown (2.01 – 5.01)
I AM JUSTIFIED IN THIS ACTION THAT I TAKE
SLIT YOUR THROAT BEFORE YOU CAN WAKE
[here there is a hand-drawn valentine from charlie brown
the valentine is an illustration of charlie brown clutching a large bloody knife
behind his back
behind the illustration of charlie brown is a rendering of a large garbage can
in the garbage can is a rendering of
a text bubble above charlie brown’s illustrated head reads
WHAT, ME FORGET VALENTINE’S DAY?? NEVER!!
* * * *
a two page essay titled
cover page consists of the words
in 64 pt “engravers mt” font
references to/quotations from
Debussy + Munch +
Zola + Cummings +
Beethoven + Camus + Dostoyevsky
+ Ortega + Nietzsche + Heidegger +
Kierkegaard + Sartre.
* * * *
a blue notebook. spiral bound. standard college rule containing
song lyrics. 20 entries.
all lyrics appear to be composed
to easily accompany the melody of any track
from Nine Inch Nails’ 1994 album Closer.
lyric 1 interpretation: frustration with rap music
see: popularity of Vanilla Ice
see: roomy and unflattering trousers
see: North America’s prominent gun violence
+ references to ‘gangs’ earnestly qualified with the colloquialism ‘jiggy’
see: ‘jiggy gangs’
lyric 2 interpretation: bulimia
lyric 3 interpretation: gay issues
lyric 4-10 interpretation: ‘god anger’
lyric 10-20 interpretation: violent death
* * * *
two random dream entries
i killed a nun.
i buried her in the football field.
she decomposed rapidly
the legs of the horses fall off
when i touch the horses
* * * *
an illustration of a bull
haloed by a pentagram
the bull looks very menacing
the bull is apparently wearing
on his lower body
some form of jodphur or pantaloon
* * * *
an empty page save an excerpt
From the Bible, Numbers 32:4
WHILE THE EGYPTIANS BURIED THEIR FIRST BORN
ALL OF WHOM THE LORD HAD STRUCK DOWN
ON THEIR GODS TOO THE LORD EXECUTED JUDGEMENTS.
at 11:48 PM
approaching my move up the coast, i am faced with the dilemma of which books to bring with me and which to abandon to the vagaries of fedex and later-dateness.
i discovered some things about my collection today. i have almost 600 books, which i feel kind of poorly about. much of the material i own is mid 19th to mid 20th century literature translated from the french or german, which i also feel kind of poorly about. many books i remember owning are missing; all of my david foster wallace has been abducted, much of my theory and criticism is gone. i senselessly own four different copies of genet’s the thief’s journal, two of turgenev’s fathers and sons, two of rilke’s book of images, two of proust’s swann’s way, three of beckett’s endgame, two of crime and punishment, two of brave new world. i have two dozen books 'outlining the history of western music.' i have three titles from balzac and i have never read balzac. i believe 10% of the collection to be books taken from someone without their knowledge, or borrowed and never returned, and for that i am sorry. my oldest book was printed in 1792. the book on this list that i have read most recently is aaron kunin’s the mandarin. The book on this list i have read most often is goethe’s the sorrows of young werther, the pages of which are literally decimated with my angsty adolescent scratch. the most expensive book i own is a first-edition copy of gustave dore's bible illustrations. the ugliest book i own is a dover thrift copy of the importance of being earnest. that shit is hideous.
these (100) are the ones that will be riding with me up the coast, in the car nest for safety. the books marked with a star (25) i am particularly attached to, and would maim a small child to preserve. they shall sit in the front seat, where people are not allowed.
this list is presented in no particular order, and i cannot say if there is specific criteria on which i based my choices. some i think are life-altering, some are beautifully bound, some hold my dust and nostalgia.
i had a lot of fun making this happen very early this morning, relearning years of accumulation. yet as i said before, i am kind of ashamed. i feel like CLASSICS GIRL or READER OF SEMINAL WORKS or PEDESTRIAN ASSHOLE WITH ELITIST PROPENSITIES or THE UNDERGRAD SYLLABUS. i tried to be honest. please don't hate me.
ok, i guess. here:
- dekadence – otto urban
- collected poems – stephane mallarme*
- thin – lauren greenfield
- everything that rises – lawrence weschler
- on ugliness – umberto eco
- the diaries of vaslav nijinskii – vaslav nijinskii
- mulberry – dan beachy-quick
- the dada reader: a critical anthology – ed. dawn ades
- life: a user’s manual – georges perec*
- selected writings - henri michaux*
- the front matter, dead souls – leslie scalapino
- the life and opinions of tristram shandy – laurence sterne*
- the grand hotels of joseph cornell – robert coover
- art history and its methods – (Wöfflin, Winckelmann, Gombrich et al.)
- dialogues with marcel duchamp – pierre cabanne
- sports – kenneth goldsmith
- herzog on herzog – werner herzog*
- the novels of the german romantics – eric blackall
- the duino elegies – rainer maria rilke
- our lady of the flowers – jean genet*
- samedi the deafness – jesse ball
- five novels – robert firbank
- paris review: writers at work – (ginsberg, cocteau, joyce et al.)
- histrionics – thomas bernhard
- selected plays (the broken pitcher) – heinrich von kleist
- the conspiracy of art – jean baudrillard
- gothic architecture and scholasticism – edwin panofsky
- aesthetic surgery – angelica taschen
- demian – hermann hesse*
- the dead – james joyce*
- endgame – samuel beckett*
- the great fire of london – jacques roubaud*
- the exploits and opinions of dr. faustroll – alfred jarry*
- sound art – alan licht
- mobile/mobile – stephen ratcliffe
- tonight’s the night – catherine meng
- 39 microlectures – matthew goulish
- a perfect vacuum – stanislaw lem*
- last year at marienbad – alain robbe-grillet
- doctor faustus – thomas mann
- the edda – snorri sturluson
- spell – dan beachy-quick
- the happiness experiment – lisa fishman
- kant and the platypus – umberto eco
- guignol’s band – louis-ferdinand celine*
- the glass bead game – hermann hesse*
- four great plays – henrik ibsen
- the rings of saturn – w.g. sebald
- letters to wendy’s – joe wenderoth
- crytallography – chistian bök
- eunoia – chistian bök*
- europe of trusts – susan howe*
- species of spaces – georges perec*
- molloy – samuel beckett
- young torless – robert musil
- the dore bible gallery – gustave dore*
- the man without qualities – robert musil*
- childish things – valery larbaud
- frost – thomas bernhard
- the loser – thomas bernhard
- the mandarin – aaron kunin
- speak, memory – vladimir nabakov*
- artaud anthology – antonin artaud
- swann’s way – marcel proust
- the fatalist – lyn hejinian
- music, body and desire in medieval culture – bruce holsinger
- scorch atlas – blake butler
- lip wolf – laura solarzano
- the complete stories – franz kafka
- a new quarantine will take my place – johannes göransson
- siddhartha – hermann hesse
- outside lies magic – john stilgoe
- the birthday party – harold pinter
- concerning the spiritual in art – wassily kandinsky
- the poetry of sound/the sound of poetry – dworkin, perloff
- germinal – emile zola
- background perspective on sound – brandon la belle
- the sorrows of young werther – johann wolfgang von goethe*
- scarlet and black – stendhal
- the aleph – jorge luis borges
- plays – rainer fassbinder
- the thief’s journal – jean genet
- old masters – thomas bernhard*
- the aesthetics of visual poetry – willard bohn
- the dialogic imagination – mikhail bahktin*
- a game of war – guy debord
- the idiot – fyodor dostoyevsky*
- the ubu plays – alfred jarry
- faust – johann wolfgang von goethe
- on sonic art – trevor wishart
- pictures and tears – james elkins
- the memoirs of igor stravinsky – igor stravinsky
- the nausea – jean paul sartre
- notes from underground – fyodor dostoyevsky
- the brothers karamazov – fyodor dostoyevsky
- the wall – jean paul sartre
- les chants de maldoror – comte de lautreamont*
- poems and fragments – friedrich hölderlin
- the immoralist – andre gide
- the book of images – rainer maria rilke
at 5:10 PM
stay a light with palms pressed to the bulb’s hot skin, this is how i cup the lamp to see you greet me in the dark, one ringless finger strikes my tongue and bends my mouth into a harp.
see the floor where i arrange the papers by thickness. thin vellums for women and children sewn in chains of water and rice. bamboo reed and grass distinguished in transmitted light. for you a lattice of damp oak containing the chest.
leave a shallow print in the bed. in the paper. the only way i know to keep you is to carve a smaller silhouette and open up against a wall.
full silence from the windowpane. “grey” as a verb for the bowl’s sleeping fruit. where spit startles the ice fat sap rings a blue lip. moan my throat down, wet my snot into your shoulder. hold my face while i howl.
at 12:14 AM
several weeks ago i posted a mock-up of what the thing was to become -- that thing being: this. it is a map for anything or for the things it says it is.
many people seem to have difficulty accessing graphic text, admittedly it is a funny thing that can sometimes seem impenetrable or obtuse. and yet, the intent is often for you to be free to do what you would like to it.
see here. i will elucidate a bit and show you my favorite way to interpret. i like to read it as a musical score for five materials (glass, copper, leather, mirror, rubber) utilized or 'played' according to 'directives' or 'narratives' or 'fragments' selected at random. sometimes the space where a 'directive' ends or begins is unclear, and that is ok for you to decide as well. here is an example of how i might compose a few lines:
GLASS that you exhaled on days green with rain, RUBBER wall of teeth punctured by whorls.
ok, i hope you like it. it has been a long time making. i am moderately pleased.
at 8:11 AM
when i am feeling strongly in the kitchen i have the feeling also of an image. a piano. piano props a rosewood curtain on its spindle revealing ribs in cages solid gold.
pile up to the larynx. stinking. i can taste each thing i forced down in a thick film on my teeth. spread the filthy kiss to fists. full and taking.
name the objects on the nightstand. cigarettes. the black book you wrote which i read and reread to keep you minded. alcohol. klonopin. dramamine. a plastic bag. a butcher knife and clots of hair around the toilet. a knot of drawn out breathing in the bed.
i once buried my head in enormous mound of fire ants. i waited for the ants eat my head.
a golden grid. a failed forest. a golden grid.
a golden grid.
at 9:41 PM
Mocha Pudding Cake Chocolate Espresso Torte Cow Cake cake mooStrawberry Chocolate Mousse Cake Chocolate Heart Layer Cake with Chocolate Cinnamon MousseQuarky Chocolate Cake Lemon Cake with Lemon Cream Cheese filling Football T-Shirt Cake Bûche de Noël yulelog Peach Crumb Cake Frozen English Toffee Cake Banana Chocolate Chip Cake Triple Chocolate Celebration Cake Hot Fudge Sundae Cake West Virginia Jam Cake Japanese Fruit Cake Mexican Chocolate Icebox Cake Chiffon Valentine Cake Apricot Hazelnut Torte Angel Food Cake Strawberry Log Cake Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Buttercream Caramelized Pear Chocolate Shortcake with Caramel Sauce Classic Yellow Cake Yule Log - Buche de Noel with Marzipan Mushrooms Coconut Cream Cake Chocolate Chip Brownie Cake Chocolate Torte with walnuts Cream Cheese Carrot Cake Strawberry Shortcake Double Chocolate Truffle Cake Double Chocolate Brownie Cake Raspberry Mousse Cake Fantasy Mousse Cake Cherry Pudding Cake Thanksgiving Cake Low Fat Carrot Cake Banana Coconut Rum Cake Mandarin Orange Cake Chocolate filled Cake roll Diabetic Cake Decorators Icing Royal Icing Earthquake Cake Friendship Cake CHOCOLATE CAKE A LA SUSANNE vegetarian chocolate cake Chocolate Roulade DEATH BY CHOCOLATE CAKE CRAZY CAKE PUMPKIN CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE GLAZE Pumpkin Cake Banana Cake Sour Milk Devil’s Food Cake Banana Nut Cake French Banana Cake CHERRY NUT CAKE Carrot & Apple Cake Miracle Whip Cake Strawberry Tiramisu Cake BARCARDI RUM CHOCOLATE CAKE Chocolate Cake Frosting and Raisin Coffee Cake ANGEL FOOD ICE CREAM CAKE JAMAICAN CHOCOLATE CAKE Bristol Ice Box Cake Queen Elizabeth Cake LEMON PUDDING CAKE Chocolate Chip Cake Carrot Cake w/o Pineapples 1-2-3-4 Cake with Caramel Icing Lemon Custard Cake Peanut Butter Cake Screwdriver Carrot Cake Banana-Sour Cream Coffee Cake OLD-FASHIONED CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH COCOA FROSTING Triple-Layer Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting Chocolate Carrot Cake Carrot Cake Olive Garden Tiramisu Dessert Sour Cream Cherry Coffee Cake Carrot Walnut Cake MISSISSIPPI MUD CAKE 3 Lazy Daisy Cake Banana Chocolate Pudding Cake Banana-Sour Cream Crunch Cake CHOCOLATE BANANA TRIFLe Bourbon Whiskey Cake Hot Milk Sponge Cake White Chocolate Fantasy Cake with Raspberry Filling Mix-In-The-Pan Lemon Poppy Seed Cake Dark Chocolate Cake Carrot Cake (Bar-On) STRAWBERRY CREAM CAKE Strawberry Carrot Cake Green Velvet Cake Mango Upside Down Cake Plum Torte Chocolate filled Cake roll - Diabetic Recipe Chocolate Chip Cake Easy Apple Cake ALMOND POPPY CAKE Pumpkin Molasses Cake Mrs. fields carrot cake El Torito’s Sweet Corn Cake Best Raisin Nut Cake Ever Feathery Fudge Cake Honey Cake DARK ANGEL CAKE Hot Fudge Cake Sticky Chocolate Cake With Pudding Sauce Carrot Cake Graham Apple Coffee Cake PRUNE CAKE Applesauce Spice Cake FUDGY HANUKKAH CAKE KENTUCKY BOURBON CAKE Dom Deluise’s Outrageous Yum Yum Cake QUEEN ANNE’S SPIRAL Yule-log Chocolate-orange Guinness Cake Sour Cream Chocolate Cake CHOCOLATE MOUSSE CAKe CHOCOLATE-STRAWBERRY-ORANGE WEDDING CAKE TRIPLE CHOCOLATE CAKE Chocolate Banana Cake Chocolate Orange Cake Banana Fruit Cake The Sacher Torte Story White Chocolate Cake Carrot Fruit Cake Lemon Strawberry Cake Roll Sara Lee’s Carrot Square Cake Carrot Cake with an Indian Flavor Lazy Daisy Cake #2 Fresh Apple Walnut Cake Black Forest Chocolate Fudge Cake JACK DANIELS FUDGE CAKE MANGO MOUSSE CAKE BUCHE DE NOEL YULE LOG CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH RUM-SPIKED FIGS PLUM SHORTCAKE Carrot Raisin Cake with Irish Cream Frosting Dirt Cake Charlotte Russe and Chocolate Roulade RICH CHRISTMAS CAKE CHOCOLATE ROULAGE Waldorf Red Velvet Cake and Frosting Red Velvet Cake Lazy Daisy Oatmeal Cake Quaker Oats Company Vanilla Bean Chiffon Lemon Chiffon Key Lime Chiffon Orange Chiffon Lemon Poppy seed ChiffonEarl Grey Tea Chiffon Japanese Green Tea Chiffon Brown Sugar Chiffon MOCHA Chiffon Hazelnut Chiffon Autumn Spice Chiffon Velvety Yellow Butter Cake Velvety White Butter Cake Fresh Lemon Butter Cake Lemon Poppy Seed Butter Cake Japanese Green Tea Butter Cake Coconut Butter Cake Rose Petal Butter Cake Lemon Lavender Cake Earl Grey Tea Butter Cake Almond Butter Cake Super Moist Carrot Cake Apple ‘n’ Spice Cake Banana Cake Chocolate Monkey Cake Rich Classic Chocolate Cake Devils Food Cake Chocolate Vanilla Bean Marble Cake Rich Bourbon Chocolate Cake Deep Red Velvet Cake Rich Chocolate Espresso Cake
at 4:13 PM
MICHAEL LENTZ IS A SUPREME TEUTONIC SONIC ART GOD WIELDING A CRAFT BLADE WHITTLED TO A FINE DADAIST EDGE OF DISJUNCTIVE SEARING GLOTTAL OOZE.
Michael Lentz does not have a website. his wiki blurb is two lines long. he is rarely translated so if you can't read german you're essentially fucked. but he is legendstuff. he has been 'sploding things for twenty + years: experimental poetry, sound art (read this essay he wrote on lettrism and composition), theory, performance, recently a random novel about Berthold Brecht. i asked him about this novel, about the introduction of a traditional form to a canon of experimental work. he stared at me and said, "THAT IS NOT THE SAME THING. THAT IS A NOVEL." ok then.
Michael Lentz achieved ornamental symmetry with two huge baubles on either pinky finger. he wore his fingernails very long. a grey pinstriped zoot suit. shirt collar winged over the lapels of the jacket -- al pacino. 1977. face in buried in a flowerpot of blow. here he is tearing shit up:
at 5:20 PM
in the room without windows with the shredder. made up the patient charts with the double hole punch. Carl, retired. papers. rate the feelings on a scale of one to twenty. dementia. anxiety.
say the words on the page aloud and then do. close your eyes. “patient read the words and did nothing.” name the objects placed before you. penny. water glass. stapler. take the objects away. name the objects that were placed before you. penny. draw the shape. lift your right hand. “patient lifted his left hand.”
on the television clive owen’s wife died. sigur ros for movie death. close your eyes. the last time she was sunk three feet into her skin shell and all i could say. i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry and in the morning on new years eve they stripped the bed.
there was a piano there in that facility. i visited rarely. the smell. the piano’s faulty key two octaves above middle c. the c sharp. made it difficult to play the debussy. second arabesque. of the only pieces my hands remember.
in 1902 an armless girl was given arms. hooks were hands. she learned to write. men lost their arms to machines and were given machines for arms. close your eyes. imagine the hooks are hands.
cosmetics. to be worn in society. a flesh-colored rubber hand could be slipped over the hook. affixed to the inner forearm with steel bolts. the hand was cast to replicate a relaxed position. the fingers lightly curled towards the palm. the thumb.
at 9:30 PM
today i went for a long run on the path that meanders around my parent's neighborhood, and on the return journey i was attacked by a really large cat. the cat 'jettisoned' from a 1 1/2 story window on the facade of a remote house where there are living a lot of hasidic jews. the circumstances surrounding the house are very mysterious to me. the house itself seems to be a replica of the texas chainsaw massacre house, and is surrounded by several derelict shacks that seem 'condemned.' also littering the premises are many large rusting farming devices. and a ton of hasidic jews live there. i don't know if it is one family or some sort of sect but holy shit there's a lot of hasidic jews in this fucking house. they don't seem to mind the shattered windows.
i was really perplexed for a moment as to the species of this creature which catapulted into my 'trajectory'. it was very large and very white. i was fairly certain for a moment that it was a small goat. it landed directly in my path and emitted a very aggressive hissing sound. at that point i decided it was a cat. "CAT." that was what i said to myself, audibly, when i made this decision. i stopped, the cat stopped. we looked at one another. the cat hissed. i attempted to pass. the cat would not let me pass. "this is a very bizarre exchange," i thought. then the cat lurched at my calves. i started to run, or rather, i sprinted. the cat trailed me, kind of loping, lumbering alongside. i had the feeling that the cat was mocking me, loping like that, at a pace which must be very easy for a cat to maintain. the cat loped, hissing, until i reached the border of my gated neighborhood. i stopped and stared at it from the safe side of the gate, breathing laboriously, kind of bent, i think i was almost crying. the cat and i looked at one another again, then the cat turned around, and i turned around, and i wondered if being attacked and chased by a very large albino cat was some sort of sign. made me think about being an atheist, whether being an atheist is the right thing. the greek myth where europa is abducted and taken to sea by a white bull, and this white bull is zeus - i thought of that, i wondered whether the albino cat from the hasidic jew house was actually ______. i am still thinking about it. i want to stop thinking about it.
today a friend wrote about a dream he had about me:
For some reason there was a gathering of men who were interested in you. All these men were conferring. Honestly, it felt like some kind of Constitutional convention. There were perhaps six of them and the talking happened in little bits like you would imagine discussions of royal succession happen after a death. However, there wasn't any sense of death in the dream.The most interesting thing was I came across you and a man I couldn't quite see in a hot tub and you were a hermaphrodite. You looked very comfortable, legs open.
watching the Tour de France on television. i like the men, the cadence of their legs. the cyclist’s coiled body. the faces are all the same, angles and shadows and sharp hills. the cyclists on the trail near my house, i call them sharks.
JESSE SELDESS does things i like. i like the music of his poems. he moved away to germany. watching this makes me misty for chicago.
i am making a 'colors text thing'. i attempted to pirate the pantone colors list to no avail. that shit is CLAZZIFIED INFOZ apparently. i ended up using a list of crayola crayon colors, it is a charming list. here:
Apricot, Gold, Orange, Silver, Bittersweet, Gray, Orange, Red, Spring Green, Black, Green, Orange Yellow, Tan, Blue, Green Blue, Orchid, Thistle, Blue Green, Green Yellow, Periwinkle, Turquoise Blue, Blue Violet, Lemon Yellow, Pine Green, Violet, Brick Red, Magenta, Prussian Blue, Violet Blue, Brown, Mahogany, Red, Violet Red, Burnt Sienna, Maize, Red Orange, White, Carnation Pink, Maroon, Red Violet, Yellow, Cornflower, Melon, Salmon, Yellow Green, Flesh, Olive Green, Sea Green, Yellow Orange Aquamarine, Copper, Lavender, Raw Sienna, Blue Gray, Forest Green, Mulberry, Raw Umber, Burnt Orange, Goldenrod, Navy blue, Sepia, Cadet Blue, Indian Red, Plum, Sky Blue Chartreuse, Ultra Blue, Ultra Orange, Ultra Red, Hot Magenta, Ultra Green, Ultra Pink, Ultra Yellow, Atomic Tangerine, Hot Magenta, Outrageous Orange, Shocking Pink, Blizzard Blue, Laser Lemon, Screamin’ Green, Wild Watermelon Electric Lime, Purple Pizzazz, Razzle Dazzle Rose, Unmellow Yellow, Magic Mint, Radical Red, Sunglow, Neon Carrot, Green Blue, Cerulean, Orange Red, Vivid Tangerine, Orange Yellow, Jungle Green, Violet Blue, Fuchsia, Maize, Dandelion, Lemon Yellow, Blue Gray, Royal Purple, Raw Umber, Wild Strawberry Asparagus, Macaroni and Cheese, Razzmatazz, Timber Wolf, Cerise, Mauvelous, Robin's Egg Blue, Tropical Rain Forest, Denim, Pacific Blue, Shamrock, Tumbleweed, Granny Smith Apple, Purple Mountain's Majesty, Tickle Me Pink, Wisteria, Almond, Canary, Fern, Pink Flamingo, Antique Brass, Caribbean Green, Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown, Purple Heart, Banana Mania, Cotton Candy, Manatee, Shadow, Beaver, Cranberry, Mountain Meadow, Sunset Orange, Blue Bell, Desert Sand, Outer Space, Torch Red, Brink Pink, Eggplant, Pig Pink, Vivid Violet, Inch Worm, Jazzberry Jam, Mango Tango, Wild Blue Yonder, Blizzard Blue, Magic Mint, Mulberry.
These colors are presented chronologically, as they appeared in the crayons over the years. I like that they become more about 'signage' and 'semiotics' and objects-as-constituents-for-colors as culture grows more sign-based. i want to place this list in Wittgenstein's dead little paw and see if he rolls over. eventually this list of colors will undergo the same process that the Martha Stewart for K-Mart colors underwent: transduction into music a la Scriabin's theory of color and tone. but i also like the idea of the text alone, of playing with the text a little bit and letting it morph into a huge phantasmagoric monster.
FUZZY SHADOWBEAVER MANATEE LASERMAIZE, ASPARAGUS GRANNYSHAM TUMBLESMITH, RAZZLEWUZZY CARROTWOLF, NEON CHEESE EGG MAJESTYPIG.
a person could wring some really great band names out of this list. MAJESTYPIG seems pretty epic and good for like a GWAR cover band. CARROTWOLF could be 16 year old norwegian transplants in toledo who work at chipotle and want to sound like 'agoraphobic nosebleed meets the new radicals' but with 'more lyrics about fucking' and 'hats.'
i read an essay by Christian Bök about his cyborg opera. seems like a an übermensch, that man. his reading of The Ursonate destroys me. i read another essay about the performance of poetry by Charles Bernstein. Charles Bernstein is an inimitable intellect and i must remember him as such. I read another essay on the reading of poetry by Jacques Roubaud, he suggests experimenting with reading metrical, rhyming verse as prose. i like this idea. here is John Donne's The Flea, i have reformatted it into prose, this is how i would perform it:
That was fun.
Crispin Glover is on the television, throwing things.
at 7:04 PM