****no modifications or elaborations have been made to the following excerpts from the documents of kristin michelle hayter between ages 12 and 14. let it be noted that i did not begin a regimen of anti-depressants until age 15 and thereafter i remained insufferable, pretentious, and generally a huge pain in the ass.****
a note from my high school freshman english teacher
affixed to a packet of looseleaf paper titled
hi kristin. i know you’re a deep thinker who often walks the unbeaten trail, so the mood of some of your entries doesn’t surprise me, nor that you do not respond to the prompts. some of it seems quite depressed; just know that i respect you greatly and am available at any time you need a listening ear.
[here there is found a drawing of a heart]
* * * *
a packet of looseleaf paper titled ‘journals’
wherein i make plain
my thoughts regarding a variety of topics
ON EXISTING; THE TRIBULATIONS OF:
2.11 life is a bitter, endless struggle. when one is saddest there is a hollowness that stretches from stomach to throat, giving the impression of an insatiable thirst. i would elaborate on such trivialities that snare my consciousness, but alas. even if i desired such, i could not.”
a single journal entry
which lengthily considers the properties of carrots
at the budding of my anorexia:
10.4. my favorite food is the carrot, because of low calorie content and because it is complementary to nearly any dip.
these are other words i use to talk about carrots in the journal entry:
carrots are not
if you ever encounter a 14 year old
claiming fun + carrot
you march that child straight to a fucking IOP for scheduled meals
and 4 hour body/mindfulness groups.
it is unclear to me
whether i am using irony
to describe carrots in this entry.
ON INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE; ABSENCE OF:
2.13. the most influential person in my life does not exist. influence is unhealthy...existence is futile. we exist to multiply, and to die.
[here there is a stanza of poetry from robert frost repeated seven times.]
ON QUESTIONS; INANITY OF:
1.9. this is a stupid question, and where i might another day answer such a question today i am in no such mood. i vigorously renounce this preposterous query. no, i shall not. i simply refuse to answer this question.
1.11. my favorite holiday is christmas, though this christmas i did not enjoy myself in the least, seeing as i have become aware that i am no longer a child, and am subject to fits of despair in the face of newly-recognized artifice. past that i do not enjoy any holiday, save for the reason that i may vacate school...somebody tell me what to do. i don’t know what to do. i am so tired.
ON ETHICS; LACK OF:
1.15. no, i am not an ethical person. i hold that mastery of the self and the overcoming of abhorrent weaknesses in the human spirit are more important than conforming to tenets
society deems proper.
* * * *
i manipulated my penmanship to cultivate a highly stylized ‘goth’ calligraphy
the ends of my letters dripped and curled into spidery filaments
long and thin
i wrote like that for three years
* * * *
a conversation between A and B
A: YOUR DINOSAUR WHERE?
B: I DON’T KNOW. DINOSAUR I FIND NOW.
A: CHICKEN, YOU WANT?
B: NO. DINOSAUR I WANT.
A: WE ASK NEIGHBOR – THERE – DINOSAUR WHERE. WHY? TO FIND DINOSAUR.
B: FIRST, DINNER WE GO TO?
A: YES. I HUNGRY I.
B: WHERE WE EAT GO TO?
A: HAPPY CHEF RESTAURANT WE GO TO.
B: CHEF – HANDSOME HE?
A: NO. UGLY CHEF AND SAD.
B: I WANT FREDDY TO COME WITH.
A: WHO FREDDY?
B: FREDDY MY DINOSAUR
A: GLASSES, SCARF FREDDY WEAR?
B: NO. POLKA DOT TIE, HAT AND SHIRT FREDDY WEAR.
A: I REMEMBER HIM. COLLEGE, HE THERE.
B: OH. I SEE.
A: OK. DINNER NOW?
* * * *
ON LOVE; DESTRUCTIVE PROPERTIES OF:
11.15. love is irrational, unreasonable. put love on a shelf to gather dust. love is arbitrary destroyer, great devastator, deceiver. fools, falsifies, leaves a bitter taste.
ON SENIOR BUDDIES; EXPECTATIONS FOR:
11.24. i don’t expect anything of my senior buddy. it is unfair to place expectations on our meetings. i have hopes for our interactions, but i know that hope often leads to disappointment. i will try to avoid that type of meeting.
11.14. this is an asinine prompt. what does it matter to anyone if i manage my time well? to whom does it matter whether i am assiduous or lazy? time does not exist.
ON THE FUTURE; PREDICTIONS FOR:
11.18. my life as a senior citizen will be lovely. i will live in a small house yet from my pension i will amass a large fortune. i will devote myself to bitterness, i will carry a cane with which to batter the children.
* * * *
exerpt from poem
written by boyfriend charlie brown (2.01 – 5.01)
I AM JUSTIFIED IN THIS ACTION THAT I TAKE
SLIT YOUR THROAT BEFORE YOU CAN WAKE
[here there is a hand-drawn valentine from charlie brown
the valentine is an illustration of charlie brown clutching a large bloody knife
behind his back
behind the illustration of charlie brown is a rendering of a large garbage can
in the garbage can is a rendering of
a text bubble above charlie brown’s illustrated head reads
WHAT, ME FORGET VALENTINE’S DAY?? NEVER!!
* * * *
a two page essay titled
cover page consists of the words
in 64 pt “engravers mt” font
references to/quotations from
Debussy + Munch +
Zola + Cummings +
Beethoven + Camus + Dostoyevsky
+ Ortega + Nietzsche + Heidegger +
Kierkegaard + Sartre.
* * * *
a blue notebook. spiral bound. standard college rule containing
song lyrics. 20 entries.
all lyrics appear to be composed
to easily accompany the melody of any track
from Nine Inch Nails’ 1994 album Closer.
lyric 1 interpretation: frustration with rap music
see: popularity of Vanilla Ice
see: roomy and unflattering trousers
see: North America’s prominent gun violence
+ references to ‘gangs’ earnestly qualified with the colloquialism ‘jiggy’
see: ‘jiggy gangs’
lyric 2 interpretation: bulimia
lyric 3 interpretation: gay issues
lyric 4-10 interpretation: ‘god anger’
lyric 10-20 interpretation: violent death
* * * *
two random dream entries
i killed a nun.
i buried her in the football field.
she decomposed rapidly
the legs of the horses fall off
when i touch the horses
* * * *
an illustration of a bull
haloed by a pentagram
the bull looks very menacing
the bull is apparently wearing
on his lower body
some form of jodphur or pantaloon
* * * *
an empty page save an excerpt
From the Bible, Numbers 32:4
WHILE THE EGYPTIANS BURIED THEIR FIRST BORN
ALL OF WHOM THE LORD HAD STRUCK DOWN
ON THEIR GODS TOO THE LORD EXECUTED JUDGEMENTS.