9.12.10

THINGS I REQUIRE FOR YULETIDE SATISFACTION





hello. it is good to see you again. i have been neglecting my blog recently but

i am not sorry.

christmas is approaching, 2010 has proven itself a singularly traumatic year, i require many presents to compensate for the emptiness salting the bitter wounds of my withered unslaked soul.


these are things you should get for me if you want me to not kill myself.



1. CHRISTMAS BOYFRIEND

he does not need to possess any particular skill set or mutual interests. he needs to be able to hold me while i weep and occasionally whisper something such as "your face smells good" in a non-threatening way. perhaps he has cirrhosis secondary to hepatitis and addictions to both alcohol and needle-based drugs, perhaps he has festooned his face with conceptual quasi-africa shaped sideburns, perhaps he has a tattoo depicting Mary Magdalene spread open at the feet of a monstrously gifted, semen-spurting Jesus Christ, perhaps he is all of these things and more.





2. ANTIDEPRESSANTS

as a person sometimes described as 'childish' 'churlish' 'egocentric' and 'retarded' antidepressants will be an essential component of my christmas 2010. Zoloft is an antidepressant that appeals to the part of me that likes dough and smiling mostly as a result of Zoloft's delightfully carefree orb constituent. i like to think of the Zoloft orb completing synaptic leaps with utterances of glee, i like to think of myself poking the Zoloft orb with one finger and the Zoloft orb laughing a little and perhaps accidentally vomiting a tiny paper airplane.





3. T-SHIRT BEARING OVERTLY HOMICIDAL//AGGRESSIVE SLOGAN


it is essential that i have something to wear when i get out of my bed every other day and walk to Safeway for fudgesicles.




4. TRENDY ASIAN DANCE BATTLE OPPONENT

if dance battles occurred spontaneously during mundane daily activities the quality of my life would be greatly enhanced. my dance battle opponent should be a highly-skilled asian male with touchable hair and nice sneakers. his dance battle music preferences will veer towards d&b, deep house, and electropop and he will mix hardstyle shuffle with acrobatic flips and an impossibly complex move called The Time Machine. despite my opponent's advanced technique i will win each battle because of my existential swagger and controversial Bourgeois White Person Krumping style. At the denouement of each battle my asian opponent will grin, drop to the splits, rise again very quickly, shake his head in disbelief, and exclaim "DAAAAMN, YO."





5. CREW W/ HATS

i need people to dress like me and follow me around and agree with everything i say. ideally they will be less attractive, have a higher bmi, and wear blank, glassy expressions. ideally my crew will wear hats, because hats solidify the legitimacy of a crew. ideally one member of my crew will have basic-to-intermediate knowledge of how to shoot a firearm. ideally one member of my crew will be able to operate a minivan with deftness and possibly conduct an e-brake drift into any parking space in front of Souplantation.





that is all. thank you in advance.





6 comments:

ryan manning said...

be my valentine

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