there are no good movies out and i want to go see a movie but
i will not be going to see that rango.
HEAVEN’S REWARD FALLACY: THE HUSBAND
on a recent evening i watched a 1820s british period drama starring keira knightley and decided i must find a husband at once. i think that antiquarian gestures of courtship and inflexible gender binaries all continue to be totally viable and appealing today. i want a fluffily-coiffed dandy in a waistcoat to pander to my affections and come to dine with my parents and brush my cheek with a fine lambskin glove in a folly based on the acropolis. i want him to have very moist eyes, to appear to be nearly on the verge of tears at all times; wertheresque, perhaps a certain tubercular ruddiness in the cheek to offset the pale, angular visage. people will wonder whether he is ok. he is ok, he is fine; just very much in love, maybe he is slightly consumptive, i don’t know.
if you would like to be my husband please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org explaining in 500 words or less why you feel you are qualified. if you require a dowry we can arrange something. my dad has a lot of socks you might want, i have some soft beige hand towels and also NIN’s Closure for VHS.
my mom often says that my posts at http://everythingsimultaneously.blogspot.com have identity-branded me as unstable, reckless, angry, suicidal, and exhibiting a ‘complex relationship with body image and food’. my mom claims that this identity brand may deter potential dates. well mom, i’m not looking for a date. i’m looking for someone who will spend the rest of his life being ok with the fact that i am incessantly on the verge of physical and nervous collapse, i tenuously maintain a crippling depression/anxiety/eating disorder trio, i am able to move from the bed approximatey 4 out of 7 days weekly, and from the bed i will chain-smoke, disparage your taste in music, and threaten to kill myself.
what i really want is to sit in a chair by a window and knit things for you and feel kind of sad but not too sad. i will sit and i will wait for you to return from the forest, i will broil whatever you shot.
at 2:43 AM
photographed in the tundra wearing one of those cable-knit sweaters that threatens to swallow, revisiting the secret goth of fifteen. want to say those were easier times but nothing about black metal is simple.
ok, things look grim. i held a color in my head that was less a color than the sound of barking dogs. sorry for being so erratic. happy birthday. please come back.
photograph of an overhanging face from the perspective of the toilet. cut off chunks of my hair with the scissors from the sink. dried your dick in my hair, ok. but if you clock me in the face and call me Little Dog In Heat again i swear.
wind-blasted polaroids of a face’s corner, obviously in error. you never said goodbye. we never took a back road or dressed up like members of Kraftwerk. ich weiss nicht.
say something stupid. i don’t want to live i want to fuck. ok. we still look good but i don’t have the bones for this anymore. if i end up with my stomach in a sack on wheels will you still make me shave my cunt. will i be smooth and useless.
drawing of your dad in the bottom of the boat. dad didn't spend time. once slit a cow from larynx to rectum, greened the lawn with shit. misunderstood as a child: inches in a cookie's radius. overheard as a child: fat kids fucking fully clothed.
the place where my heart is hurts and i don’t mean that way. i mean the beating the backwards the icepick, the icepick i mean that way. meaning white. white always. white all.
at 1:04 AM
hello america how are you doing today i am ok i guess.
OAKLAND IS CANCELED
i jettisoned from oakland, my dad drove his nissan quest up to take me back with the sofa my mom likes and so that is what happened. i closed up the apartment and had to smoke outside so as not to upstink the interior with the toxic air of my breath.
PASTELS ARE CANCELED / TRUTH IS CANCELED
resting against the bench on the porch was an oil pastel drawing that one of the neighbor girls would periodically spray with fixative. the oil pastel drawing was of a mermaid or some kind of half-woman half-octopus with tentacles. i would sit there and smoke cigarettes and she would come out and spray fixative and i would say I REALLY LIKE YOUR PIECE and i was lying.
BEING REASONABLE IS CANCELED
BEING UNREASONABLE IS CANCELED
in fact, i’d like to apologize to everyone i have spoken to in the past 12 months. if we had plans together, i probably broke them and told you i hate you. if we were friends i probably told you i hate you. if we were romantically involved, i probably told you i hate you then apologized immediately then told you i hate you for new reasons and so on and so forth in an endless and loathsome cycle. i will try to be better.
MORTALITY IS CANCELED
shaan and i went to a late showing of BIEBER3D in a very fancy suburban mall targeting a demographic of women with expensive breasts and ugly children. the mall had a pond and two visible swans. we named a swan marcel and plied marcel’s affections with popcorn. i was attacked by a rogue duck. shaan explained rene girard’s concept of mimetic desire to me while tweens swarmed around in ugg boots. the 3D experience was extremely destabilizing, to the extent that i struggled with extreme vertigo and illness into the next day. in the film, Justin Bieber is forced to drink a green smoothie provided by Usher, who briefly but sagely touts the immortalizing qualities of multivitamins.
LOS ANGELES IS CANCELED
on the drive to san diego i was stuck in los angeles gridlock for two and a half hours. i felt extremely nauseated and weak and i smoked approximately 14 cigarettes and repeated YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT to myself very loudly with no music playing.
NOT LISTENING TO RICHARD SKELTON IS CANCELED
i listened to Richard Skelton’s new record Landings and it is a gorgeous thing you must have – it is a shimmering and pastoral and icy bouquet of weeping strings that wilt and tauten in luminous ways. Richard sends his music in beautiful handcrafted packaging with a personalized dedication.
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES IN INDIE DRAMAS ARE CANCELED
The Kids Are All Right has the same syllable count as The Squid and the Whale, which does not seem to be coincidental.
The Squids are All Right The Kid and the Whale.
NOT BEING MUU-MUU HOUSE IS CANCELED
check out this shit going down on HTML_G. sometimes i feel like we are all autistic.
WHITE IS CANCELED
repainting my studio in preparation for the move-out i foolishly took the advice of the ace hardware man with the dead eyes and bought white paint without seeing a sample. this white was blinding, arctic, like the womb of an MRI machine. it frazzled my strained nerves and left me sleepless. nothing is more unsettling than an unbroken expanse of white, and i find that certain color palettes make me very nervous. i am frightened of most pastels.
THE MONTHS OF 2011 THAT ALREADY HAPPENED ARE CANCELED
there seems to be a chance that 2k11 will turn around. i am excited for some things and people of the future.
WATCHING SODIUM IS CANCELED
when i got to san diego i ate a lot of crackers.
at 3:02 AM