18.12.11

QUESTIONS ABOUT FOREVER LAZY

A NEW, PROMISING PIECE OF CULTURAL FABRIC HAS ACHIEVED MIMETIC IMMINENCE, AND WHILE I FULLY SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGE USE OF FOREVER LAZY, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS THAT ARE NOT ANSWERED IN FOREVER LAZY'S CLEVER, INFORMATIVE COMMERCIAL:








1. FOREVER LAZY IS MADE FROM SOFT, BREATHABLE FLEECE. IS SOFT, BREATHABLE FLEECE AT LEAST PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR WIDESPREAD NATIONAL OBESITY?



2. FOREVER LAZY IS MADE FROM SOFT, BREATHABLE FLEECE. IS THERE AN OPTION FOR UNBREATHABLE FLEECE? WHAT IF I PREFER A SAUNA EXPERIENCE WITH MY FOREVER LAZY?



3. FLEECE IS EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE. WHY ARE THERE NO WARNINGS ABOUT THE FLAMMABILITY OF FOREVER LAZY? HOW MANY WILL DIE BEFORE A WARNING LABEL IS APPLIED?



4. IS IT POSSIBLE TO NOT GET FECES ALL OVER FOREVER LAZY IF ONE CHOOSES TO EVACUATE THEIR BOWELS AFTER THEY HAVE UNZIPPED FOREVER LAZY'S CONVENIENT FECAL FLAP?



5. WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE TO BUILD A HIGHLY ABSORBENT, ODOR-KILLING NET/FILTER INTO FOREVER LAZY'S REAR SECTION SO THAT YOU CAN IN FACT SIMPLY EVACUATE YOUR BOWELS AND BE LIKE WHATEVER IT'S TAKEN CARE OF



6. HOW LIKELY IS IT THAT FOREVER LAZY WILL SOON FEATURE FULL-BODY DESIGNS OF MY FAVORITE THINGS, SUCH AS: DORITOS, FANTA, WEED, ROLEX, RITTER SPORT CHOCOLATE, FIXED GEAR BIKES, BLACK TAR HEROIN, HOT POCKETS, VEGANISM, DUBAI, SAILOR MOON, LASER TAG, AVATAR, LISA FRANK,  AND LONG JOHN SILVERS?



7. THE FOREVER LAZY COMMERCIAL FEATURES SEVERAL WOMEN (NOTED.) UNSUCCESSFULLY 'STRUGGLING' TO USE BLANKETS, AND THE COMMERCIAL SEEMS TO IMPLY THAT BLANKETS ARE 'UNCOMFORTABLE' AND 'A HASSLE'. HAVE GOVERNMENT-SUBSIDIZED STUDIES BEEN CONDUCTED TO ESTABLISH THAT BLANKETS ARE IN FACT DIFFICULT TO USE?




8. THE FOREVER LAZY COMMERCIAL FEATURES A PANNING SHOT OF A FAMILY ACTIVELY WATCHING A SPORTING EVENT ON TELEVISION WHILE THE FATHER IS SLEEPING ON THE END OF THE COUCH. THIS SHOT IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE FOLLOWING NARRATION:

DAD DOING WHAT HE DOES BEST.

IS THIS A THINLY VEILED COMMENT ON PATRIARCHAL ABSENTEEISM?


9. IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE MOTIVATION BEHIND THE INVENTION OF FOREVER LAZY WAS PATRIARCHAL ABSENTEEISM IN THE EARLY LIVES OF FOREVER LAZY'S MAKERS, AND THAT THE MAKERS FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT FATHERS WILL BE MORE 'ACTIVE' 'FAMILY MEN' WHEN THEY DO NOT SUFFER FROM NAP-INDUCING FATIGUE FOLLOWING EXHAUSTING STRUGGLES WITH BLANETS?



10. HYPOTHETICALLY, LET'S SAY YOU WALK INTO A ROOM POPULATED BY 8-10 PEOPLE AGED 18-24, ALL WEARING FOREVER LAZY.  IS YOUR INITIAL RESPONSE:

A. DEEP-SEATED KIERKEGAARDIAN DREAD MANIFESTING IN SUDDEN ANEMIC APPEARANCE AND VERY MOIST EYES

B. SEXUAL AROUSAL

C. EXTREME FATIGUE FROM YEARS OF UNSUCCESSFUL STRUGGLES WITH BLANKETS, FOLLOWED BY A FLOOD OF RELIEF THAT, FINALLY,  'ANOTHER OPTION' EXISTS

D. TRIGGERING, PHANTASMAGORICAL  MEMORIES OF YOUR ABSENT FATHER FOLLOWED BY AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO EAT UNTIL IT HURTS



11. HYPOTHETICALLY, LETS SAY YOU WALK INTO A ROOM POPULATED EXCLUSIVELY BY 8-10 PEOPLE AGED 18-24, ALL 'LOUNGING' IN FOREVER LAZY. WHAT DO YOU CONCLUDE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?
A. THEY ARE COMFORTABLE

B. THEY ARE A HIP-HOP DANCE CREW

C. THEY ARE A CULT

D. THEY ARE MAY BURST INTO FLAMES AND ARE POSSIBLY POOPING.



12. HOW PARALYZING WILL A FOREVER LAZY FETISH BE TO ONE'S SEXUAL WELL-BEING? IS IT OK FOR ME, HYPOTHETICALLY, TO FEEL LIKE IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO TELL MY BOYFRIEND TO WEAR FOREVER LAZY ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS?



13. THE CURRENT FOREVER LAZY PACKAGE INCLUDES FOREVER LAZY, FOREVER LAZY FOOTIES, AND A FOREVER LAZY NECK REST THING. IN THE FUTURE, WILL FOREVER LAZY BE OFFERED WITH A DISCOUNTED PRESCRIPTION FOR LIPITOR AND/OR PREDNISONE AND AN UNMARKED WHITE VAN?



14. WHY DO THE MAKERS OF FOREVER LAZY ASSUME THAT MINORITIES ARE NOT INTERESTED IN A COMFORTABLE 

OH WAIT THERE'S A BLACK GIRL NEVERMIND. 








14.12.11

MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU SAD SACKS OF CRAP

since robert frost is my favorite poet i wrote a winter poem that is inspirational. i hope you are inspired to do something great this holiday season.










i went to the woods to die
to splay belly-out in a red copse
with no internet.

i sawed down two conifers
and built a coniferous fixed gear bike
with tires from snakes.

i practiced track stands on my fixed gear bike
i bombed down the forest hills
while i waited to die.



i had no boyfriend.



i wrote boy's names on the husks
of leaves and stuffed the leaves
in my underpants.



when winter came i flogged
my legs with naked sticks
to put the warmth in.

ice boxed my throat rigid
my eyelids swelled up and white light erupted
from the roof of my mouth.



i suffered
an uncomplicated episode of diarrhea.



i screamed into a mulchy pit of dead deer
what the fuck i screamed
what the fuck.



i imagined an issue of People magazine
featuring only myself
myself is the only People:

i have the best bikini body
i am the sexiest man alive
what else.



one day the snow fell into the tunnel
i used for my snacks
and i lost the way up.

i lost the way up for days until peter
from peter paul and mary
was skiing up there.

peter pull me out
peter help me i'm down here somewhere
there are no snacks left.

but it was too late
i was dead
werner herzog made a film about it.