i am deleting my twitter because i did not deserve one in the first place. i am compiling my 'best' 'favoritest' tweets here.
recurring themes in my tweets are jared leto, observations of the dregs of humanity, vaguely literate references, and things that make america great.
1. maybe i couldn't sleep last night because my Soothing Soundspa was set to Rainforest but kept playing Chris Matthews yelling "GAAAHHHHH!"
2. when you go to pay for your southwest flight and they ask you to name your trip use "secret taliban meeting" and see what happens.
3. and like a dewy tangerine he rolled 'round the room, mirthfully conflating school supplies and women. it was a fine moment to be American.
4. "California: where you're never too old to wear shorts like that."
5. Gaspar Noe film w Jared Leto as Kurt cobain watching film w Jared wearing Kurt Tshirt depicting Jared being brutally raped/aborted by Kurt.
6. Mark Wahlberg tattooing himself with a ballpoint pen in FEAR, later spending most of THE HAPPENING really upset about air
7. oh sweet there are hershey's kisses from last christmas at the bottom of the closet where the dog's ashes and grandma's ashes are.
8. if you choke on kale chips you will cough a lingering mossy pouf of smoke to follow you whispering that kale chips suck so fucking hard
10. an array of syphilitic cholo moms in tube dresses and wooden platform mules eating wetzel's pretzels near the tattoo/barber combo shop. #SD
11. dreamt Pottery Barn interview led to acceptance to Pottery Barn boarding school where Natalie Portman lived in attic and we became besties.
12. Tiny Indian child behind me whispering in my ear in gynecologist's waiting room.
13. "Cattle Decapitation stymies shimmering apocalyptic riffage into a Schopenhauer of lyricism and Four Tet-esque grumbling" - Pitchfork
14. after nearly 2 decades of obscurity, san diego 'deathgrind sensation' Cattle Decapitation is set to take #SXSW by storm (via Pitchfork)
15. aryan brotherhood jail bro in cell demonstrating shanking with carrot. carrot shank.
16. they're saying justin bieber ruined steampunk but steampunk ruined steampunk.
17. BUY MY CHRISTMAS POEMS
18. observed @tao_lin examining organic, locally-sourced prepared items at whole foods with intensity/indifference while listening to ipod.
19. today at american apparel sales associates are 30% more hung over and high-waisted 'breeches' in 'mustard' look 50% less flattering.
20. AMERICA. FIXED GEAR BIKES. RYAN GOSLING. AMERICA. TAMPONS. CLEARASIL. CINNABON.
21. dee snider starting something like groupon but deals are comprised exclusively of zumba pants and there's no merchant and there's no deal.
22. fuck you and your fucking collages you twee nubby sweater bitch
23. if i were co-founder of Netflix i'd say fuck u guys i did it on purpose + stuff my mouth with burgers instead of apologizing like a pansy.
24. by all means please 'put to rest any myths, rumors or misconceptions' i might have about the adult baby community.
25. live-tweeting of power outage hindered significantly by power outage. #poweroutage
26. Power outage update: Hayter family preparing for possibility of communist and/or republican coup d'tat, 'mass cannibalism'. #dadwisdom
27. Watching anaconda 3 starring the 'hoff. Chris says the snakes look like they have down syndrome, and he's right.
28. well, i'm entering the wu.
29. busted 1991 toyota corolla with sides painted in gigantic silver cholo font MS. SEXY CHOCOLATE idling in front of the daycare center.
30. SPOTTED: Macsx the haggard downtown ice cream truck man screaming "CHOCO-TACO!" to all who pass on a dimly lit street by the river.
31. what chicago needs is 100,000 obese fools wiping deep-dish pizza grease on cargo shorts to put their metal fingers up. #lollapalooza
32. rode by the children swimming in lake michigan screaming YOU ARE ALL GETTING CANCER
33. this evening's lesson: don't fuck with the chinatown leprechaun.
34. i go wherever the fuck i want whenever the fuck i want cuz i'm the vegan mail truck bitch
35. GOT MY NAILS DID TO LOOK LIKE SANDWICHES OF THE DIFFRNT MEATZ BUT I DONT HAVE ENUFF NAILZ 4 ALL THE MEATZ
36. just watched Vanilla Ice bike-tumble from a concrete precipice, saw the Beach Highlander sans pants, heard screams. that's enough, america.
37. Tittering premed cafe bimbos have 5 min to stop squealing about Ben Harper concert before I start screaming Anal Cunt's greatest hits.
38. do most colonic therapists talk about waffles and gender identity crises with the hose in your ass or am i just lucky.
39. veg-edge crew is coming to liberate the zoobabies from not listening to earth crisis.
40. when everyone u love is dead u will probably write string quartets and wear harry potter glasses too. #shostakovitch
41. yesterday tyra made a virgin insert a tampon behind a curtain on national television. today justin bieber rode a segway on the view.
42. JESUS THE ROCOCO IS SUCH A FUCKING PANSY-ASS FARTFEST.
43. seems like anyone who describes themselves as a 'wandering scribe' has a lot of knowledge about holiday inn express and orthopedic sandals.
44. Bee-Keeping Hipster is the new Hipster With Grillz
45. FUCK THE RENAISSANCE
46. i'm going to call my one-woman boyfriend song lo-fi band "Ineptitude"
47. just read a vaguely homicidal OKC message from an elf. thought: 'maybe his ears are just big.' then thought: 'no. this is obviously an elf.'
48. been thinking about henry rollins kind of supine over those chill-ass guitar chords in the beginning of the liar music video all day.
49. WHICH ONE OF YOU FILTHY BLOODSUCKING ATHEISTS IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF MY STUPID FAT PUKING CAT AFTER I ASCEND #RAPTURE
50. dad tonight: "what is worse than a mormon chiropractor? nothing."
51. what's it like to be the co-op scapegoat? does the chore wheel get rigged against you?
52. why am i sitting here thinking about you when this cat is looking at me like a big silk donut who needs my love
53. maybe he's not a selfish obstinate jerk ignoring my heartfelt effusions w tacit disgust. maybe he relinquished technology & promptly died.
54. THE LASERFOCUS OF WELLBUTRIN IS GIVING ME THE POWER TO SEE THE WORDS INSIDE OF WORDS.
55. who are these listserv goth noise dudes in portugal with names composed entirely of symbols that we're all friends with on FB
56. thought about gassing myself but instead i'm vlogging about crispy snacks and light bondage.
57. the only way this day could get douchier is if jared leto rolled up on a republic fixie to sing a song about war to my mom.
58. jeff koons just made a cast of me as michael jordan jacking off onto a vacuum cleaner inside a huge kitty litter box filled with guns
59. waiting for gary busey to row a shopping cart to the shores of gary, IN's ditchpond and ask the secret millionaire for a corn dog.
60. you talk a lot of shit for a baby
61. $90-$150 to see Devo. i assume 30 minutes of psychotherapy and truffle crostini served on the back of a docile white poodle are included.
62. the image on my family crest appears to be a cow smoking a cigarette
63. if you just keep moving around a lot the sniper will probably give up eventually.